Tuesday, 20 May 2014


There is a dignity in rising up to meet a challenge but there is very often little to no dignity in what we have to wear to achieve our goals.

A case in point would be the triathlon suit that arrived in the post this Saturday. All in one, stretchy Lycra in black. Cut using the basic assumption that we are all shaped like a pro. The zip extends only as far as the sternum so I am going to be a hot sweaty mess if I ever need to get in and out of it to use a lavatory.

This is just one of an increasingly long list of totally undignified things that we wear, smear on or accept as normal in the pursuit of sporting glory.This list includes but is not limited to...

  • Chamois cream - mentholated or regular? Used to prevent friction burns and saddle sores this goop is smeared on your genitals and bum. The result feels like you pooped your pants with ice cream.
  • Winter bib-tights - Brilliant protection for the elements but effectively a fleecy skin-tight baby-gro. Keeps the draft out but as it has no fastening you have to get all the layers off and then sit naked with it around your knees when using the loo.
  • Cycling shorts - The fastest way to look like an oversized sausage with a camel-toe. At worst you look like wurst. At best you look like a member of 1980's band Erasure.
  • Running shorts - See above only this time think Burt Reynolds does PE.
  • Hi-Vis clothing - Are you going to the Camden Palais in 1995? a little bit rave a little bit council health and safety officer.Not dignified and impossible to look at whilst eating/concentrating on anything else.

Have I missed anything?


Please feel free to comment or add to any of the ideas expressed here. Please be nice where possible.